My grandmother just passed away not long ago.
I was dreading the impact of her death and imagined I will be devastated when it will eventually happen.
I used to spend a big part of my vacations at her place. So, when it happened, despite being something we expected for a while, it still left me totally numb. As if suddenly I was unable to formulate some sort of a more violent type of emotion.
One thing though that I came to realize is what a big bullshit it is when people say that when someone is gone they are still present in some way.
Death means that someone stopped existing. And not only that someone but an entire universe is collapsed/ stopped existing with them.
There is this utter empty space they leave behind and all the severed connections. Lots of suspended thoughts and gestures and steps towards the emptiness that used to be a filled, complete universe.
And this total numbness. A whole lots of NOTHING.